Relearning How to Socialize: A Satire
By: Ashleigh Scheuneman
Illustrated by: Carla Cieza
After keeping six feet of distance, wearing masks, and staying at home, it is important that we as a society get back to socializing.
When reintroducing yourself into society, you may feel the urge to keep your distance from those around you. Don’t. Get right up close and personal. People need to know that you are there to provide any emotional support they may need post-pandemic, and the best way to do this is to give plenty of aggressive hugs.
Likewise, there are some who may have trouble recognizing coworkers, distant family members, friends and peers after having spent so much time apart or communicating solely over Zoom. To help with this recognition issue, you may want to consider wearing a name tag, or better yet, have a t-shirt with a picture of you wearing a mask on to help those around you know who you are.
If you are a student, you may want to prepare in advance a copy of your “What I did During the Pandemic” essay. I would suggest no fewer than 250 words.
As for teachers, everyone knows transitioning from Zoom classes to in-person classes will be tough. No more pajama pants while teaching for you.
College students, well, the best we can hope for is continued leniency with finals and class attendance.
Dwight Schrute once said that to protect ourselves from illness, we should strengthen our immune systems by using hand de-sanitizing stations. Now that the pandemic is nearly over, we should follow Schrute’s sage advice and begin preparing for the next pandemic by developing swoll immune systems. It’s all about preparation, as the people who stocked up on toilet paper would know.
Speaking of toilet paper, be prepared to have an overflow of toilet paper in stores, because people won’t need as much now that they are not scared of being stuck at home. The stores will be stocked solid with toilet paper that people will no longer compulsively buy.
Regardless of where you were during the heat of the pandemic (we were ALL in this together), whether you received the saving vaccine that seeped its way slowly through the masses, or were one of the few who STAYED HOME to let the pawns go first, America has come out stronger than ever. Because America is the best.
Likewise, George Fox University will come back stronger, even though we lost—pardon me, reconfigured—a few majors along the way.
Illustrated by Carla Cieza