A Dummy's Guide to George Fox Dating: A Satire

By Genevieve Wolf

Photography by Juan Pablo Arenas

First of all, know that if you're not dating, there is something wrong with you. What other conceivable thing besides dating should a young Christian be doing?

If you're not dating, introduce yourself by saying "My name is so-and-so, and I'm a single person." Acknowledge your condition and feel the shame.

Don’t forget – your future graduation date is your last chance to find a good Christian spouse! This is the most important deadline you will ever face in college.

Be sure to ask your love interest out without using the word "date." Use "hang out" for maximum clarity. Trust me, he or she will appreciate it.

On your first date, remember that this person must factor into your long-term life plans. Ask specific questions to see if this person is compatible with your future. Don’t be afraid to go into detail.

Don't forget: Going on one date = dating! Slap a label on it ASAP.

As soon as you are dating, be sure to announce it to the world every chance you get. Always walk around campus holding hands. Definitely hug every time you leave your love for any reason. Kisses should always be long and in public. Think RichandAmy from the comic strip Zits.

When dating comes up in everyday conversations, make it clear that you are taken: super taken! Casually drop the “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” bomb every chance you get. Extra points if you pull out a selfie of the two of you doing something cutesy in Portland.

Dating is basically a trial run for marriage. Seventy percent of your waking hours should be spent with your other half; meals, extra-curriculars, evenings, weekends. If your best friends aren't annoyed at how often you make them a third wheel, you're doing something wrong.

Seniors: Don’t forget to talk nonstop about how stressed you feel by the ring-by-spring pressure! This will help everyone around you become more focused on catching a spouse before graduating.

Faculty: Please be sure to ask seniors what their future plans are with an emphatic glance at their ring fingers. Also, offer to officiate at their weddings! That's exactly the kind of thing to help them relax from the strain of their senior projects.