GFU to Replace Quad with Parking Lot
Reported by Jayden Forsyth
Photographed by Allison Martinet
“I was on my way to the construction site of the Cinematic Arts building when I overheard two students talking about their inability to find parking spaces on campus,” said George Fox University (GFU) construction contractor Lot Parkzowski.
“Then I heard one of them say, ‘The only open space left on this campus is in the quad; it’s not like we can park there.’ And I don’t know who that brilliant student was, but she just solved the campus’s parking problem, for good.”
Parkzowski was tasked with an impossible challenge: creating more parking spaces on campus. But in a recent interview, he explained how his latest plan, demolishing the quad and replacing it with a parking lot, will finally solve the university’s parking woes.
“It all just makes sense,” Parkzowski said. “There’s so much open space in the quad! It’s perfectly flat and level, and it even connects to a campus road on its north end!”
When asked about the fate of the iconic clock tower, Parkzowski was blunt.
“Nobody needs that old thing anyway. Students just look at their phones and watches to tell the time. The clock itself doesn’t even have numbers! How am I, or anyone, supposed to read that?”
Removal of the quad is already underway, with bushes torn out for the hundreds of tons of asphalt shipped to Newberg.
Student reactions are mixed.
“This is terrible. Every time I look out my window during class, all I’ll see is black tar and parked cars. I’m sure car alarms will be going off constantly while I’m trying to study,” sophomore Susie Isnotrealton said.
Others, however, are more supportive of the decision.
“Honestly, I’m just glad we have somewhere to park,” junior Clyde McFakerson said. “I mean, it stinks that we’re losing the quad, but I’d prefer this over spending twenty minutes trying to find an open parking spot every time I get back from Fred Meyer. Maybe I could honk at people while they’re in class. That would be funny; I’d be right outside their classroom.”
While this plan addresses the long-standing parking issue, it erases part of GFU’s history.
Parkzowski, however, remains optimistic and hopes his approach is adopted elsewhere.
“It’d be great if they did the same thing in New York City and tore down that old, smelly Central Park; replaced it with roadways and more parking lots,” he said. “That way, there wouldn’t be any more traffic jams!”